Monday, February 27, 2012

And The Oscar Goes To...


Annual Oscars blog coming to you straight from Chicago, my first year in NINE years not being in the middle of it all. In fact, for 4 years I LIVED 3 blocks from the Kodak, er Chapter 11 Theatre. Couldn't and wouldn't get in my car the entire weekend.
3 things about the awards show last night before I dive into shoving my opinions on all things red carpet related down your throat:

  • Chris Rock can do no wrong in my book. He could tell me a knock knock joke and forget to tell me the punch line and I would still laugh at it.
  • What on earth was going on with the audio? Subtle auto-tune? Do I have super-sensitive dog-like hearing?
  • I'm in love with Emma Stone. Note: NOT in love with what she wore but I'm in love with her.
If you follow me on twitter, these thoughts are not new to you. Most of this blog will be bo-ring for you to read.

Only one person made me gasp the entire night. And she stole the show. Mrs. Coldplay.
Gwyneth.

She said it best herself, it was her "Jackie O moment". I can't even make any Goop jokes without feeling 200% disrespectful right now, that's how major her look was. Tom Ford, pat yourself on the back you little whippersnapper and treat yourself to an expensive glass of Scotch. You done good, boy.


I hate to admit it but 2 of my favorite looks were from Giuliana Rancic. Loved her hair pulled back and loved her 2 dresses for the pre-pre-show and the pre-show. I cannot find a pic of her pre-pre show long sleeved number anywhere and I don't have the patience to keep digging so trust me when I tell you in was gorrr-gwah! Loved her pre-show look too. Hair, jewels, everything.


Next up? Ms. Chastain. She went for baroque and boy did she ever go for broke.

Green. Anything green makes me happy. Therefore, Viola pleased me greatly on Sunday. Everything about this just works and she looked incredible. Can I have that dress now that you're finished with it? Thanks!

If I learned anything this year it's that apparently sequins are hard to pull off on the red carpet. Anna Farris, Ellie Kemper, Penelope Ann Miller and Melissa Leo all tried. They failed. If the Oscars were the Superbowl, that little yellow penalty flag would have been flying in the air as they all trotted down the carpet. BUT, I think Rose Byrne would have been a touch down (can you tell I'm mourning the loss of football season). I absolutely loved the back of it and she makes me want a bob with bangs.
I love that Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips are besties and Michelle takes Busy as her date. I was on the fence about Michelle's dress but after having seen a glimpse of the sheer back of it I decided that I liked it.

There is something about Elizabeth Banks and her VF party dress that makes me go "Hmmm". But in a good way. Joan Rivers probably called her a polka-dotted peacock but I think it worked on her. And I loved it. There, I said it. I LOVED IT.
I'm conflicted. Kristen Wiig's dress. Nude. Monique. I think had her hair been "done" it would have been a totally different look. I really like the dress. Just think something was off. LOVE the girl though.

Jenny from the Block showed up in a gown that had gums flapping (per usual). This year it was a "did we or didn't we" see her nip. I think I COULD HAVE liked the dress. It had potential. But I the cut outs at the shoulder make me think of those trashy tops that the Real Housewives of Orange County wear. And we all know about those housewives. They wear True Religion jeans and tee shirts that have bedazzled angel wings on the back of them with mesh trucker hats. (Shaking my head).
Her HAIR, on the other hand. I'm all for piling that mess up there but why was it pulled SO TIGHT? It looked like her brains were about to seep out of her hair folicles at any given moment. Have you ever had to pull your hair that tight? Gives you a headache!

Can we talk just for a minute about Angelina Jolie? And can we talk about that pose? Please? No one else seems to be talking about it so I feel like I need to address the leg. *
Didn't she look so comfortable?* (can you tell by now that when I use an asterisk it's supposed to indicate sarcasm?) And didn't that pose look so natural?* A reporter asked her dad about it at the VF party and he said "She comes out and does this pose and waits until people get it, it was so great. The audience responded so wonderfully too, [with] whistles and everything." Um, ok. Oh and those shoes? I'm pretty sure my older sister wore those same shoes to her junior prom in 1991 when her prom song was In Your Eyes and not in an ironic way. It was that long ago. I did like the dress but the fact that she used her leg like a kick stand on a 10 speed made me hate it. We get it. You have long, lean legs and you stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston. Let's move on.

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. You alllmost had it. Red was definitely a trend this year. And I GET that you work for Dior so you have access to the archives, and I would raid them too if I were you. But if I were you, I wouldn't have chosen a dress that looked like the dotted tights I wore from ages 3-10 (approximately). And while your necklace is probably worth more than the net worth of me and all of my best friends, it looked like it was from Claire's.
You're such a stunning woman, let's try harder next time, mmmmkay?

Sandra Bullock. No. Just, No. SHE looked flawless. That dress is a mess.

Jane Seymour. I have some serious beef with you. First of all WHY are you at the Oscars? WHY were you at the Grammys? Your Open Heart Jewelry collection makes me want to vom. And Kay Jewelers? Malls should not have jewelry stores, first of all. Jane-I used to see you as Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and now you're just that lady who does the bad jewelry. So just for that you're on my list. And you should probably take a page from Meryl's book (or Dame Helen Mirren) and start dressing age appropriate. Just a thought!

Oh and if I had a dolla for every time Seacrest brought up what happened with The Dictator, I'd be able to buy out the Neiman Marcus shoe section. Truth.

Ok, that's all I've got this year. Until next awards season.

Computer-less Ingy.

A trip to the Apple store is in my immediate future. After about 4 weeks of no computer and no internet access, I'm about to go bonkerballs. My computer self destructed not long after I saw Mission Impossible 4 at the Arclight and I am a LITTLE convinced that the 2 events could be related.

On that note, that is why the annual Oscars bliggity blog is a bit tardier than usual. Stay tuned por favor!